(AKA: What You Missed: The Imperium Strikes Back Section 2: Imperium Heist)

by Callahan "Duke Syruss" O'Leary

Then I chucked that file in the never to be viewed again drawer, and called the Case of the Kung Fu Vampires finally to a rest. I swooped past the filing cabinet to my desk, but there was a magical aura still lingering. Someone cast magic here recently. I could sense it. That and thanks to one of my recent cases I knew what I was looking for (See Kazoo issue Feb 2018 The Case of the Missing Cases). I could smell it in the air, Portal Magic. It always smells of burnt eggs or some rude demon busting some intestinal gas in a space entirely too small. 

Worn out, tired, covered in blood, wreaking of garlic, but not done for the day it would seem as I staggered my way over to the desk to see what Naj left for me. Much to my surprise it was not sent via Sir Naj’s Portal but rather an unknown source had sent me a sealed manila envelope. I sat at my chair and reclined. 


Pulled up the manila envelope and smiled as I started to open it. I smiled a child's smile. Manila, a fun word that rhymes with vanilla. I love vanilla. Mmmmmmm, ice cream. Nothing soothes a sore throat like some yummy ice cream. Darn it! I got lost in inner monologue again.

I opened the envelope and started to read. It appeared to be my typical parcel. Someone looking for the great Syruss’ help. It read: 

    “Dear Syruss,
Your exploits are known far and wide, varying from person to person. Honestly, it has become hard to separate what is the Myth and what is the Man. If you are a fraction as helpful as your written exploits make you out to be then you will be more than enough to solve my issue. Currently, I am looking to reallocate an artifact that was stolen from me by the Imperium. I will leave a Portal open in your bathroom, come see me once you are able. The job only pays 50 gold but I imagine there will be plenty of things in the Vault you can help yourself to plus unknown scientific research that I am sure would be of value to an inquisitive mind such as yours.

See you soon.
-Sincerely

NotImportantRightNow”

Weird letter, odd name, but then again no odder then some of the names I get with my Ask Syruss letters. WAIT WHAT, the LOO?!?! Sure enough as I opened the door to my private throne **Zipp Zapp schworp Fizzle Portal Sounds*** A big red portal.

Well, it was settled. I had a small case and I knew just the two individuals to help. Obviously my first instinct was to bring Sir Naj. I was already studying Portal Magic under him but I know he would jump at a chance to add to his research. That and I am nowhere near as competent a Portal Mage as Sir Naj. Now I needed someone with nerves of steel and who knew his way around a vault. My old Darkhaven Stomping buddy and Neden’s resident Safecracker Sir Blaximus Blackasaurous Rex aka Sir Blacky himself. 

 As we were loading up our gear in the Neden Vault old Lord Nymbous poked his head in and inquired what we were up to. In fact his exact words were.. “Hey you crazy numbskulls what the hell are you doing with my stuff?” We explained we were borrowing a few things for a case and he was delighted. Nymbous quickly got ideas of grandeur and wanted to make a day trip out of it. He quickly cast an amplifier charm and started making his announcements throughout the halls. “Listen Up Boy-o’s we are heading out to parts unknown by way of magical elements emitting from Duke Syruss’s bathroom so be there or be square.” Nymbous’s words echoed throughout the halls like a yodeler singing in their prime. Lord Nymbous was so excited and thought this was going to be another Dungeon Delve as we have been known to do. He was so excited in fact he started recruiting our usual colleagues of mercenaries to help us “rock this thing” as he aptly put it. There was no amount of pleading with him to get him and the rabble to stay behind. There was nothing that could convince him, not even the fact that he was now paying the mercenaries out more money than I was making on this case (Note: to all you would be adventurers out there the Big Guy pays for sell swords just sayin’). Faster than a 20 word verbal being sputtered soundly in super speed we were back and all filing into my bathroom.

My three-man crew turned into a small questing force. We had the usual Neden Crowd with us: Sir Rawlin, Master of Coin Jayce, Dresden, Siff, Darkin Sir Naj, and Sir D.. Let’s see who else was there. There was my Brother Tyruss a.k.a Meat that Jean Baptiste sent along in his stead, Sir Naj’s newest apprentice Wolf and three of our favorite Hired Guns, Sir Quayloth, Karmha and Tuilli. I would like to say this is the most people I have had in my bathroom...I really really would like to.

*Swish SZworp Squish Zoop and Florp*** We went through the portal and were instantly in the hellish waiting hall in some sort of fancy building. This looked like the nicest offices in Neden times a million, like if our offices had a bunch of gold to spend on frivolous decorations. 

As soon as we arrived, Tuilli  started casting small amounts of Glamour magic on the questing party so we would all appear Mustachioed. The thought was if we got caught we didn’t want to be identified. It did not help that we were all wearing the same thing...I mean I pointed it out but when the questing troop is excited about something give it to them...Cherish the small things.

We were soon greeted by the person who sent me the letter. An older grey-bearded man with a problem of the shifty kind. I mean here is a tip kids, if the gig is on the up and up it usually doesn’t involve a B&E and the person hiring is usually not so careful with their identity. He was quick to note the immense amount of mustaches and then asked if we were the Neden questing party. Apparently he received the lord’s scrying RSVP and was ready for us…..

The man identified himself as Thorin, after much pressure and maybe a threat to walk from the gig unless I knew who my benefactor was. I made the threat but I could tell there was no backing out now. Nope, the Lord had that look in his eye. The look of adventure, the look of mischief, the same look I have when Sir Naj is doling out the goodies at Feast of Neden. Yup, he was a man on a mission all right. 

We entered the first room way more stealthily than I would have assumed from a group of fifteen. That is until someone...totally not me...who gave an inappropriate inquisitive “Hello?” again totally not me no matter what Rawlin says, that guy is a liar and a charlatan. 

******WEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEEooooooo BRAAAAAAAAAANG BRAAAAAAAANG********* The alarm filled the room like air fills the lungs. Like an Anemoi God of wind blowing and filling the sails of sailors at sea. 

Sir Blacky and I quickly scrambled throughout the halls cutting wires as fast as our comrades were cutting through those poor security guards. I mean I am not saying the slaughter of 9 to 5 working schmoes was the sole reason I told Nymbous not to bring a small army, but it is up there. 

 As Sir Blacky and I cut one of the final panels clean of wires, we could feel a noticeable difference in heat throughout the room. *****WOOOOSHHHHHHHHHH***** A large funnel of fire penetrated the center of the room and from out of that fire tornado spawned four fire elementals. Quickly, our cohorts were burned where they stood. A pile of goo where our Lord once stood started reforming, first an eye then a mouth then a middle finger. We knew our lord was going to be fine. Sir Naj was quickly negating fireballs with some fine impromptu spell slinging. Unfortunately, it was not fast enough to save his young apprentice, Wolf, who swung his sword at the fire feeding the flames with oxygen and only enraging their wrath and carnage.

***LIGHTNING BOLT**** A flash of lighting flew across the room hitting multiple fire elementals… Rushing in with a sword in hand and smile on his face, Dresden seemed pleased. That was until he realized it only enraged them.

Fire ball, fire ball, fire ball. Balls of swirling flame were being hurled and our comrades were falling left and right.  As I look for a solution, out from the shadows Jayce appeared with a new treasure chest in his hands….Why was I not surprised?
“What did I miss?” Jayce inquired. 

“We need a way to destroy these fire elementals!” I shouted.
“Will this help?” Jayce asked as he opened the glowing chest showcasing the most dangerous weapon in the Realms during the winter months...SNOWBALLS!!!!!

Quickly Jayce, Blacky, and I started hurling snowballs at the fire…  Ssssssss Sizzle SSSSSS...The snowballs where having an effect but surely we would run out...Snowball after snowball we fought the fire elementals until they were almost no more. We stopped questioning the amount of snowballs in the case. I mean after all we have encountered bags of holding before, why not an infinite snowball case. After all was said and done, Jayce picked the lock to the next floor of the vault. We had defeated the first room. D and Qualoth along with Karmha started raising the dead.

The next room went quickly. Blacky and I were in a rhythm with the disarming of the alarms. The questing group was in a murderous rhythm with dispatching the guards and then it happened. The twist. We all knew it was going to happen, right? We all knew that questing doesn’t go smoothly but there it was anyway, the twist. A tied-up man claiming the identity of Thorin although this was not a grey-beard shifty man but another Portal Mage being held captive by the Imperium! Was this the man who sent the original message? Who was the first man? These questions and more would puzzle my brain before the day was through. Either way, I needed to free this man. Anyone being held in chains in a safe underground in a different portal has to be trustworthy. 
I made quick work of the tumblers after Rawlin failed to pick the lock.

Thorin proved to be quite useful. No longer were we delayed with locks. Furthermore, he was showing Naj new portal tricks to get around wards that prevent Portal Mages from coming and going as they pleased… Note to self: Upgrade my Wards in my bathroom…

The next room was filled with one of the most horrific things the Realms produces….BEES. As it turned out we needed some magic nectar from this realm in order to break one of the wards. I wanted to do this room as stealthy as possible because bees are essential to our ecosystem and the Realms is already having a honey shortage and in no way did I want my name tied to that sort of scandal.
After grabbing the honey, the hive, the crown from the queen bee and 1,000,000 stings latter we were onto the next room. This room was filled with water sprites that felt great on some of the burns after the first room. Karmha and Naj deduced how to stop the sprites. There were these magical stumps that produced enchanted vines from the ground. Once the sprites were corralled the water was absorbed into the ground and a large tree started to grow.

Now as adventurers we do a lot of damage but every once in a while we do something awesome, like plant a tree. We watched this tree grow from sapling to the tallest of redwoods I have ever seen. It humbles the soul to see such a sight….but I digress…

The next room was filled with acid and these creatures that floated above the danger almost as if they could fly. Darkin took a fighting force of Jayce, Karmha, Tuilli , Sir Naj, Sir D and Dresden. The lightning bolt gang hurled their magic with extremely deadly accuracy and as these new creatures fell the ground arose from underneath them creating a passable path. This room required us to post these Magical Totems in specific places that matched their magical output.  Once this was done a portal appeared and Thorin and Naj were leading us to the next room.

In the room ahead of us stood a pillar and on said pillar was our goal. What we came to retrieve, a powerful crystal of unknown magical properties.  Naj and I have seen puzzles like this a million times, it was a weight distribution puzzle. As Naj, Siff, and I gathered items we believed would be equivalent in weight, our friends D, Karmha, Darkin and Quayloth were slaughtering those who would attack us. As our defenders fell, their fatal foes, the bodies started to drop this clay-esque type material.

While they fought, we switched out our items for the gem; the weight was sure to be right...

If only we had seen the material fall as they slaughtered the guards, if only we were faster with the transfer of items for the gem, if only we had guessed a better weight distribution, if only...

WeeeeOOOOOOOmmWeeeeeOOOOOOOOMMMMm a loud alarm filled the rooms, gravity shifted and knocked all of us would-be burglars onto the ground.
The room flooded with enemies as fast as it was filled with sound. The ground shook with a tremble from the alarm or  so I thought.. Just then a eight foot tall guard entered the fray. Sir D called all the lightning users to him. Dresden, Karmha, and Sij Naj all lined up on D.

“Everyone on my command aim for his heart...3...2...1…” D screamed and they listened. As if they were one, they all casted their lightning bolts and a bright brilliant flash brought down the behemoth of a man. The lightning crew was certainly earning the pay the lord promised. Speaking of the Lord, that is when he came up with the plan to use the clay as the counterbalance.  Karmha used her expertise craftsmanship to form a forgery that of which rivaled the original in every way. AND IT WORKED. The alarm shut off at the same time that Darkin and I discovered our combined powerful glare was that of the level of Basilisk and we froze all the guards in place...that or it had something to do with Karmha’s perfect gem replacement.

Either way we had what Thorin and Naj needed to get us home….

****SWISH swhirl ZORM zip Blorp Portal Sounds******

Or so we thought.

“This is not Neden” Lord Nymbous said astutely.

“No...No this is not,” Naj stated “It is some sort of magical compound chemically bonding to the vault’s elemental properties.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Darkin said, frustrated without things to hit.

“It means the magic needs to be directed...sorted out...so we can focus this gem to get us where we need to go,” Naj deduced.

“Your Portal Mage knows his stuff,” Thorin chimed in. "He is correct.”

Thorin instructed us to enter this small temporal circle that should send us to a magical wayline. As he sent us off to gather different colored orbs to sort the elements Sir Rawlin lead a fighting force to fend off our soulless bodies. 

Sir Quayloth and Karmha got the most orbs and Naj and Dresden sorted them into their appropriate places. 

Thorin was about to say something when...

**********Booom***********

The portal magic overloaded...Apparently Lord Nymbous kept going back because there were more balls to collect and he is a completionist. 

We were separated by a large granite wall with elemental auras of fire and water on either end and before we could organize our troops. Then all of the elements and guards we had encountered surrounded us and had goals to make short work of our fighting force. With my great sword I bashed and bludgeoned until there was a clear cut path to the center, a mage HURLING ELEMENTAL SPELLS OF ALL TYPES IN EVERY DIRECTION.

While I was trying to figure out how to stop the magical menace a fire elemental charged me and lunged their body hand-first at my head, but like the nimble warrior I am I ducked….Yup, ducking it has its value...BOOM It hit the water wall and SIZZLE a fireball landed at my feet. Strange thing, it was quite cool to the touch. So I picked it up and hurled it at the center creature and as I deduced one of its shields went down. Through trickery, I got the water elemental to crash into the fire wall, and then once again I was granted an elemental orb of power.
Just then Naj and Quayloth used the force to send me a vision of putting the stone creature in a specific non-marked spot and then as with the previous two enemies I was awarded another elemental bolt.  Nymbous picked up one and I the other. We hurled in unison and with a loud crash and crackle the shields were down. Neden swarmed on the big bad guy like a pack of piranhas and devoured him within seconds. 

“Hooray!” Thorin screamed. “That was the supervisor for the vault!”

Thorin went on to tell us he had what he needed to get us home. Neden as Neden do, scavenged the vault for anything not nailed down.

Now was my favorite time of every case, when the benefactor is happy and the payment is forthwith. 


“50 gold as discussed,” Thorin said  My shrewd negotiations pointed out that we still had the gem and we felt we had spent far more in resources and expenses. Heck, our mercenary cost alone was 150 gold. But before I could squeeze another cent from the Magical Miser, Lord Nymbous handed over the gem and Thronin ported away leaving behind a note….

“Dear Syruss,

Thank you so much for your assistance. You are worth every penny and your reputation as a detective and problem solver was not exaggerated. I will call upon you again if we should ever need your assistance again.

Yours Truly,
The Thorins”
I guess both men were Thorin's, or perhaps same person different time remnant. Either way, he paid. The case was closed and I got a fun new trinket from all this. The most powerful weapon of them all.

That's right I kept the SNOWBALL chest.

So now, next time you are in Neden stop by the O’Leary Snowball Emporium where I have currently made 360 in gold….suck it Thorin.

Tune in Next time Loyal Readers as THE GREAT DETECTIVE SYRUSS takes on the Case of the Howl at Night.

​

by Cal "Syruss" Marsden 


Hello there, I am Syruss O’leary…Knight..lover..detective for hire..and sometimes a Dragon Hunter.

"She walked through my door like a lioness walks into a meat orphanage — strawberry blonde and legs for hours. No dame her age could afford armor like that, and the kind of war paint she had on gave me a good idea how she got it. She had bad news written on her like October of '29, the year before the Bedlam Wars.

“Are you Sir Syruss O’leary?” she asked

“ I am,” I replied, curt and aggravated. Don’t know why, maybe I was ready to head home, maybe I didn’t like the look of this Dragon Lady's face, maybe I am just an old grump…maybe.

“I was told you're the type of fella who helps out poor souls for a fair price,” she clambered on.

“That depends on how 'fair' of a price,” I told her.

She went on to tell me about some sob story of a missing dragon sister being held captive by evil Doctors who were up to no good. Apparently Ms. Salina Dargoneesee, that’s her name, had this half sister, being held against her will all while having rotten experiments done on her….like draining life force experiments awful. It was the typical tale with a few new twists: dragons, kidnapping, treasure, mystery and a lost love. She went on and on for what seemed like hours. The more she talked the more I listened and the more I felt compelled to help.

I don’t know what it was about her sob story that got to me: maybe the lost half-sister, or the sad look in her eyes. Perhaps it was the hundred rowan she laid on my table. Whatever it was, I was on the case.

I haven’t felt this excited since Grebinar and I started the S&G detective agency. Now maybe was our time to do some good. We loaded up the wagon and went to case the joint. This was a miserable looking cave entrance with too nice of a door. When did bears get into reinforced carbon steel door engineering, am I right? There were a few windows around this cave entrance but nothing large enough to see in. Heck, we were lucky enough to get glimpses of what was on the other side of the door, nothing helpful just a hallway. We cased the joint Friday night for 48 hours until it was OUR time to enter on Sunday.

Over the course of our study people kept coming in and out of the facility like a popular Chimeron Deli on lunch hour. We watched some groups go in, most come out, some who came out with less people than when they went in. While we weren’t sure what was going on in there, we were sure we would need a team to accomplish this feat. We gathered the usual muscles for hire. D and Quayloth from Folkestone were willing to lightning-bolt their way through anything for some coin; after that, the rest of our crew could be bought with whiskey and the promise of a good time.

We projected we would need at least twenty coin-hungry adventurers. What we got was over a half-dozen hung-over meatheads. Lovable meatheads, but meatheads all the same.

We entered the facility and were immediately greeted by what appeared to be friendly hospital staff. The boys were a mixed bag of Blackwood Trail Mix on whether or not we should trust them. Half the boys thought: “What the heck, let's sign these blank Doctors/Patient forms. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Well, I knew better. It was something in the air. I never quite trusted hospitals, not after the experiments of 1008 but that’s another story. No, there was something off in this room. How did they have all our names? Why were they so friendly? WHERE DID HALF MY GROUP GO??? That was my last question before I felt that unforgettable prick in the side of my neck. Yup, I had been tranquillized…..

I woke up in a small room with my fellow Neden Guys, like our B squad...heck, who am I kidding - in this situation there were few others I would prefer to have. We were stripped of all our possessions and the door was locked. I immediately scanned the room before the others woke up. I had a room with one small window (too small to escape), a door with a lock and a note in a language I was unfamiliar with, plus a whole heck of a lot of puzzle pieces. Whoever these guys were, they sure went through a lot of trouble to keep us in here and to keep us entertained while we were here. I mean, I am used to having an old magazine or two but these puzzles would be a much better use of my time in this perpetual waiting room.

It was time to asses my resources - like I said, I had a cracker-jack squad. We had the incomparable Siff of Neden (who had the only means of combat magic missile) and Rawlin the Clown (he would be able to distract most opposition or at the very least provide the knock-knock jokes for the next however many years we would be stuck here). Then there was Razmith and our petitioner Gumbo. Now Gumbo was only good for cooking, but I knew Razmith would be able to crack this code and get us out before it was too late.

The rain was coming down like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at the same time. When you’re in a situation like mine, you can only think in metaphors. I knew this weather was an omen of what to come and I knew we had to do something quick.

“Eureka!” Razmith exclaimed.

With that resounding statement we were free, and we left that room with zero regard for what was on the other side. We left that room like schoolchildren running from the building on solstice break. Before we knew it we had located our comrades equally stuck in other rooms. I had the notion that the facility didn’t think to change the combinations to the doors. Minions, am I right? Smart enough to practice medicine poorly but not smart enough to change a four-digit code.

We were out of there in no time...well, actually like fifteen more minutes than we needed. Nymbous insisted the doctors were not that dumb. No way it was the same code…right?!?!?!

After we convinced our fearless leader to try one more time we were on our way. Then, without warning a Specter of a Dragon appeared and you could tell she was the missing sister the dame who hired us was missing. She went on to help us navigate various rooms with various puzzle traps. We decided the best route was to set off all the traps with our more resilient crew. We may not be able to kill all these doctors, but we can send wave after wave of regenerating meatheads at them until they get bored or we get the upper hand. We all tried something different with the doctors until we found these cool sleeping agents that could knock out the doctors, along with some empty syringes and all these colorful pills that most of us were forced to take…some of us not so forced… 

After what felt like days and with various visits from specter lady (who was always magically on the same treasure chest that I am pretty sure we weren’t carrying), we made our way through all the doctors to this warden guy, a head honcho. 

He was conducting weird experiments on a few tree-looking folk. Not any of my business. Some of our group that had gotten separated, or had fallen into the cavern, or wandered off alone were in the room and getting the ugly end of this guy’s business mace - and that, my friends, was my problem.

I busted in there like a flesh tornado with arms and legs and teeth just tearing into anything in my way. After bashing on this guy for ten minutes, I noticed it wasn't working. I pulled the old classic “What’s that over there?” and dove behind a pile of dead bodies when he turned his back, until he passed. I found Siff, Razmith and Lord Nymbous all bogged down with these huge boulder-like chains. Grebs and I were busy treating our friends like they were hot new bardic songs “off the chain” and we freed them. Well, not the tree people……..

We still had Mr. Smashy-Mace swinging his thing around like a toddler with a rattle. 

“Hey Nymbous!” I shouted. “If their chains were strong enough to contain your awesomeness to the ground, maybe just maybe it will work on this mook.”

With that said, Nymbous and I sprang into action, hurling the chains together with four hands onto this guy’s back. It worked, he buckled under the weight like my belt and pants after a good Nedgiving Dinner. Naj got a cool pair of shoulders and Jean Baptiste wore this man’s face (note to self: watch JB more carefully...) We got another key to the Specter Dragon Lady who kept appearing like smoke on foggy morning. It would have creeped me out, but that wasn’t even the weirdest thing that happened to me this day. No, I was much too busy collecting keys to care or wonder about why.

The next room was a Mastermind Doctor, presumably the Mini Mini boss, like your direct supervisor. Sure he can make you work late, but he can’t make you come in on Saturdays kind of boss. This loony tune was using his own blood to create the undead and generally cause mischief and malpractice with “patience”. He even replaced my liver with paper plates and other stuff. I think??? To which I responded by ripping open the sutures and self removing the plate and adding my liver (along with a few others) back where they needed to be for this Friday’s Karaoke action. I tried using the syringe to fill one of those poison vials of blood and inject it this Creepy Doctor Doom…and it failed. Like horribly, comically failed…

Then I noticed Mr. Mini Boss was missing some fingers and there were all these jars of blood everywhere.

“Where did you get all these jars of blood?!” Naj yelled.

But it didn’t matter where he got them from, only that they were important for solving whatever this disaster was. 

I noticed the Mr. Mini Boss was missing fingers and started opening the jars with fingers in them……Yikes that was a painful idea. Good thing I practiced mortification in the Church of Darkhaven. The pain was nuts but not all that unbearable. After opening 16 out of the 18 bottles I knew the next bottle was sure to be a winner. I was wrong. But, BOOM 20 had the solution. I drank the blood because I’m a Demo..…er I mean because at that point I was sure it would either kill me or give me super-powers. If you guessed it killed me, well then you’d be wrong - I got the super-powers. I was a Lich Bane swinging son of a lich (not really, my mom was a beet-farming saint I tell ya).

After enough smashing of the Lich he dropped a key which unlocked more of Rubyious’s (that’s the Dragon Specter, which you know because I have mentioned a million times I am sure) chains. Which led us to this poor soul snake person who had a killer headache (which I could relate to, having spent the first part of the quest listening to Siff tell me a great idea for a Harlequin Comedy Club). We helped this guy. Sort of, well not really, but we definitely got the key and we definitely DID not trap this guy inside a cage forever.

I couldn’t help but feel like this key, the presumably last key, was in fact not the end of our adventure. I could attribute that to the fact that all the hallways were suddenly eerily empty or the fact that I am a cracker-jack detective, but I guess ultimately it was because we had not seen a dragon yet and you know, that was the main purpose of this thing. 

We unlocked the last of the Specter’s Box and just like I predicted, this Dragon Lady turned on us like out-of-date milk. She immediately turned from an adorable damsel dragon in distress to a dangerous dragon of doom. Just when me and Grebinar were getting pumped up to go in and kill the dragon super-duper big time, the rest of the team got it done…..Like super-fast.

It was all over...or so I thought. The room went dark - darker than Bedlam on a moonless night - and the walls came crashing down like all of Grebinar's previous relationships. Behind them was a three-headed super-duper dragon.Time was ticking; we had to have been in there for a year now. How long did we have? Three hours? That can’t be right. We slept...we ate...so many rooms, so many pills...what did the doctor say about side effects???

Anyways, we crack the code of the dragons by making them crack their heads against each other….silly triplets. After the Wytherin was down, I gutted its stomach and dove in and out the other side…

“Syruss, how did you know this was going to lead to the treasure room?” D asked.

“I am a cracker-jack detective, D. That, and diving head-first into things has literally never backfired on anyone in the history of ever.” (That’s a fact, look it up)

Well, we got the treasure and a cool Mimic pet named Stevie McPherson….and four new dragon heads to add to the wall.

So the dame set me up, so the guys took 90% of the loot and left me to deal with the mimic - I still solved the case, and by that I mean I killed a bunch of stuff and got free healthcare.

We ended up escaping the area with nine minutes left to spare…or we did it in nine minutes flat….one of two...Time was weird there…Did Jean Baptiste get taller???? Are the colors going to go back to normal…Did I get all the plates?????

Long rides…Man I hate long rides, it always makes me anticipate the activity to a level of a neurotic state. Things like when will we be there, how long has it been, will there be enough fun activities to make this trip worth it all rush through my head. Thing about long trips they always make you think...
The Road from Neden to Rhiassa is mired with undead, trolls and bandits looking to make a quick score. You add that danger plus all this rain…(it always seems to rain during my flashbacks.. that and it’s always black and white).. then it is easy to see the Neden Boys were going to run into trouble.
The pitter patter of raining on top of horses galloping and wagon 

wheels turning can be somewhat euphoric, it can settle your soul like a new mother rocking a babe to sleep. It can  cause you to drift off in a not-quite-awake not-quite-asleep phase that leaves you peaceful but vulnerable.

**CRACK KA BOOM** thunder and lightning strike the horizon lighting it up like a Northern Fire in the sky, brief glimpses of daylight on a wet lake of a day as our petitioner Gumbo likes to say.
**BOOM CRACK CRASH*** that wasn’t thunder!!!! Sir Naj yelled.
I poke my head out of the carriage to see what the hubbub was all about. My Good friend and Neden’s petitioner and dutied carriage driver was pulling over the head cart to avoid another Magical Attack.
Up a head was a Floating Dragon being controlled by Two handsome looking Bandits  

It was the famous Miguel and Tulio!!!! Corsican Pirate Captain Tommy Diceni had just put a 100 Doubloon reward for their capture. The poster however did not mention Two Fighters casting spells, nor did it mention them owning a dragon, nor did it give any indication how they knew which route we were taking.  Our routes are selected carefully by Lord Nymbous O’Leary to assure our arrival at gatherings with all our Treasures “intact”. A word here that means together in the chests we put them and not in the pockets of bandits.

“Bandits but when did Bandits get so jack up with cool spells?” Dresden yelled **LIGHTNINGBLOT*** Dresden through his lightning-bolt with half assed precision but it was quickly absorbed by Tulio and recast at Ditched….Ditch who was completely caught off guard was thrown through the air and crashed into a near tree.

“Hey I know that dragon” Jean Baptist exclaimed! “That’s sparky but he should be in the castle in Lords Museum. There is no way they could have robbed that the magic Circle is “impenetrable” except by our curator. Impenetrable is a word that it this context means unable to open to be opened…unless you’re undead…or if I er um forgot to lock the Museum. With quick thinking JB got a magic ball from his pocket.

“I hate those” Grebinar said while gleaming at Jean Baptists hand. With that said Jean Baptists the Wonderful hurled the all his might at the dragon. The Dragon with Fear in his eyes tried to avoid the Ball. But as was his fate once, so it was again. The ball hit the dragon square in the mouth, like my bookie usually does after welching on a few bets; and just like I do when my bookie hits me the dragon went down…..Well actually he was caught up in swirling red light then sucked into the ball using some sort of demon size magic.
**Jean Baptise looked pleased with himself and murmured something inaudible to the ball****
That just left us with these incredible handsome and sharped dressed Banditos.
“Hey you in the top Hat” Sir Naj yelled at Miguel. “NICE HAT!!!!” **Naj said with an angry look in his eye***
“Um thanks…I kind of stole it…do you really think it goes with my…” Miguel was cut short before he could finish his sentence. Before he could move an inch there was blue swirling portal under Miguel and Naj’s hands could be seen ripping him into the ground.
“How did you?” I went to ask Naj where he went but he was already gone. It didn’t matter that just left Tulio who may or may not be a brother of Tooli (I will need to check on that)and Tulio was running head first at the Lord Carriage with a Flaming Sword and Shield with black cover. Zodiark and Grebinar stopped him from going down the trail. I prevented his retreat, with little option Tulio though he would jump in the carriage and test his Metal against our Lord.
***Crash Boom Bang Boink OBSCENITIES CRASH BOOM CRASH SHATTER SOUND***
That carriage was a rocking and when Nymbous’s carriage is a rockin general rule is don’t go a knocking. That is of course unless you just saw a Sword Wielding bandit enter. Just as I was about to enter the carriage ****THUD** I was hit by a flying Bandit hog tied and ready for prosecution.

“I guess the lord Needs to take care of all the light work” Sir Nymbous said poking his head out of his carriage.
***PZZZZT SCHWIP ZZZERT gernal portal sound*** “Hey Guys I’m back” Naj exclaimed.
“Just in time Sir Naj.. Take this roughie to Nedcatraz Floating Detention Facility. We will process him next week. Debido Proceso that’s what we always say” Lord Nymbous decreed.

“Detention Facility I just dropped the other guy off in a volcano…..You know what yeah debido proceso..Gotcha boss” Naj said quickly before grabbing Tulio and vanishing. 
***PZZZZT SCHWIP ZZZERT general portal sound***
The rain started letting up. It always seems when the weather gets clearer so do your thoughts.
It’s then I recognized something..something out of place… the corner of the shield cover had come off and revealed something shiny something reflective. I quickly tore off the shield cover only to be rated with insults from a very very angry Magic mirror. It was our Magic Mirror the one the only, Hurtful Angry Ridiculous Rare Omnipresent Loud Decoration Making Irrational Random Ridiculously Obvious Results or H.a.r.r.y M.i.r.r.o.r for short.
"You no good Neden boys always leaving things about..Why when I was once hung up in the Majesty of Centaurs palace he would have never allowed such roughies to break in and steal all his things..No he would have beheaded them or extra headed them whatever the case may be…."Harry kept yelling but I started to drown him out, much like I drown out the complaints about our ridiculous petitioners guide from our New Boys.
“Harry Calm down buddy and tell us what they got.” I instructed.
“Well Master Syruss the got one dragon, one magic mirror..” Harry started…..
“Stick to the things we didn’t fight or face” Grebinar exclaimed. 

“Well several wands, One Spell transferring Bookend, The Magic Pensic, the Magic Wizard Hat and two magical swords.” Harry Stated. “This will have to wait till after the feast” Lord Nymbous explained. “We have too much to do and Siff Rawlin and Priest Z should already be waiting for us. “I can start the investigation with Sir Naj and Sir Blackie while you guys hit up the feast” Sarrix said from somewhere in the back. “Great Idea” we all agreed. And so it was we fought off a half-baked robbery…well sort of..you see they were successful in robbing us initially. Over the next few hours Sir Naj got some vital information out of Tulio. It appears they didn’t work alone. A man in a fancy trilby hat hired them and gave Tulio’s partner Miguel a fancy Top Hat to seal the deal. So we need to find the “Fancy Bandit Gang” but that is a tale for another time…

(aka: What You Missed, Imperium Match Slot 2: Temple Run)
by Callahan "Sir Syruss" Marsden


Sir Grebinar & Sir Syruss,
Dragon Hunters, Investigators, Crime Stopping, Kung Foo masters and Security Squad Incorporated is what the glass door said...actually from my angle it was more like:
                                                                                       ssuryS riS & raniberG riS
dauqS ytiruceS dna sretsam ooF gnuK ,gnippotS emirC ,rotagitsevnI ,sretnuH nogarD

But, that’s not the point. It had been over 4 long years since I took that kid under my wing and man did we have a lot of adventures (See Grebinar and Syruss and the Case of the Missing Mummy) and even more yuks (See Grebinar and Syruss and the Case of Laughing Looney Barn). But ever since we became the world’s best D.I.C.K.S the cases have been getting weirder and weirder (See “"While the Boys are Away their Items Will Play:” A tale of Ruffians and Robbery (The View from Valehaven and The Neden Kazoo) and G.O.F.E.R TWO: A Tale of Mystery and Malpractice (The View from Valehaven)). I always seem to have the need to sit in a darkened room with just one desk lamp dimly lit. There is always an abundance of cigar smoke filling the air despite the fact that no one is smoking. For whatever reason, all the color in the world fades from my eyes and I am always left narrating my thoughts in this dismal grey. But most annoying of all, there is always thunder crashing and clients entering your office two minutes before you’re about to punch out for the night to hit a well-deserved happy hour.

***CRACK KABOOM. Thunder and lightning strike out in the night. The lightning kills the power to the office while lighting it up for only a moment….. The noise fades and the light returns and there in the doorway a shadowy figure emerges****

“Excuse me. Are you one of the D.I.C.K.S I heard about?” a strange voice lingers in my doorway.

“What the hell did you just call…er, um, oh yeah, that’s me….. **whispers under his breath** "we need to change that title stupid Grebs…Hi, um what can I do for ya?” I asked this shrouded figure.

“I heard you and your partner are experts in navigating dangerous situations,” she said with passion, "and that you are expendable...” she said uttered with a smirk

“We have been known to tango with masters of the evil two step, been said we have gone fist-to-fist, toe-to-toe with the pugilists of punishment…been known to be expend - wait,  what was the last part you needed?” I inquired, as I got lost in a tangent.

“Never mind all that…… you sound perfect,” she quickly interrupted.

“Not to be nitpicky lady, but I very rarely get into business with shrouded figures and without negotiating terms…….rarely,” I stated. "So what’s your deal? You some sort of demon? Demigod out to pick on us mortals? Evil scientist luring us into a cave for experiments? I’m not judging I am just a straight shooter.”

“Listen, my name is Canary Cowl…I need your help…fine….” she started to say as she removed her face covering. She left her head covering on… Maybe she was still hiding something, maybe it was a bad hair day, maybe it had to do with her oddly garb-related name…maybe...

“Like I was saying. My name is…"***coughing cough coughedy cough*** she started to choke on the office smoke….”What the heck is with all this smoke?””

“I am still detecting that…..Let’s get back to your problem” I skirted the smoky question redirecting her to get to the heart of why she was here and why she was keeping me from happy hour.

She went on to tell me about these four artifacts that belong to gods and how in the hands of this Imperium it could be a real mess for the Realms…which I happen to have a few friends in so that wasn’t going to stand. Not on my watch. She made a compelling case about why I should help. It had everything: murdered scouting party, mysterious sounds, a creepy cave, magical artifacts, puzzles and riddles that could only be solved by my super brain plus a 300 Rowan up-front deposit….Yeah this case had everything.

With a firm handshake, I was on the job.

I couldn’t reach my partner Sir Grebs, he was busy heading up Neden’s National Lemonade Stand day festival with Priest Z, Sarix and Razmith (Lord Nymbous wanted him to raise funds for a new slip and slide). Blacky took our petitioners Zodiark, Cabby and Ditch all on an artifact-retrieval mission to recoup some of Lord Nymbous’s relics that were stolen from his museum….Now I would have to outsource some muscle on this one.

I reached out to some of my old colleagues who used to have a penchant for making undead dead and other things...well, dead as well I guess. I trusted them but also knew their help wouldn’t come cheap.
I sent a raven to Invictus praying to Dark RohdeOne it made it on time, which in retrospect may have been counterproductive... Having a best friend who is also a god should have its benefits……SHOULD.

The day had come, the hour was night…..well actually it was right about 4pm.

My usual crew was on hand to help me with this heist….er, I mean mission.

Jean Baptiste was there as our trapper, Sir Naj was our portal magic expert and lightning bolt back-up along with Dresden and D of Folkestone (no doubt we would shock the pants off any unsuspecting villains), then we had Rawlin and Siff working logistics and generally bothering Lord Nymbous who was on Rabble Rousing. We also had our petitioner, Gumbo, there as a pack mule, meat-shield, and emergency sacrifice should the need arise.

We hired some mercenaries that were new to the lands of Realms, at least new to me, or at least never bothered me enough for me to take notice. We had the durable Beloc, the Sturdy Ebony, the expendable Jericho. I do not know why but I knew these guys would come in handy.

My friends Eldritch, Vuel, and Randolph (hence forth referred to as Rudy and or Rutabaga) were there and ready to fight. Which was great because we entered the first room like a whirling tornado of flesh, with legs and arms and teeth swinging all over the place.

Then all of a sudden……

Nothing. Not a thing, like N O T H I N G kind of nothing. I have not seen anything this empty since Lord Nymbous’s plate at Nedengiving.

So, with that the first room went quick manly because we didn’t have anything to kill.

But, after going through room to room it was apparent that this place was really really quiet. No, it was TOO quiet. The kind of quiet that can only be found after hearing an awkward sentence and when you find yourself with a complete lack of words….that kind of quiet.

But like most dungeons, walk around long enough and you are sure to find something, usually a dead something….This time it was 5 DEAD SOMETHINGS.
We quickly removed all of their weapons, not knowing if they were friend or foe….. That and steel is expensive and they had some really nice stuff….What, don’t look at me like that, literally that is what dungeon crawling is, glorified grave robbing - you know it, I know it, our guide knows it so deal with it.

After we removed their weapons and scalped one of them we came to the conclusion we should try and figure out who exactly they were and why they were dead. Well, I wish all my mysteries wrapped up as fast as that one because the Canary Cowl knew exactly who these guys were..

“Stop, why are you - Greg….not Greg! Why is he scalped, those bastards!” she screamed as she walked in the room late to see Dresden and me scooping “Greg” into a bucket.

“Yeah someone….Probably the imperium jerks we were hired to handle” Dresden exclaimed. HERE

She was pretty broken up about her broken comrades but that did not deter her from leading us further into the cave, closer to our goal and deeper down the familiar road of trouble.

We entered this room with these weird pants and even weirder cave dwellers. The cave dwellers were these plant-like creatures presumably left there by Gia to protect her follower and her artifact. There were four strange potted plants that absorbed lightning like no plant should, resulting in the creatures around the plants to become enraged.  Once we killed all the plants, they would drop these strange magical vines. Rawlin, using his super observation skill, noticed a giant pattern on the floor. We noticed our guide had similar markings on her face so Rawlin and Gumbo killed her and attempted to match the pattern. After about 10 minutes of that not working, Rawlin came up with the idea to try matching the vines instead.

The color of the pattern started to glow with every additional vine added to match its design. Pretty soon our dim glow lighting the room was a vivid green glowing wonder to behold.

After the puzzle was complete, the room doors opened, we gained three treasure chests and proceeded along our way.

In the next room there was a bunch of things to slaughter, so my Invictus comrades did what they do best and mowed down these flying birds….that is, until we came up to a cliff. They are great at killing stuff on the ground and heck they even do a swell job of killing flying things that fly near the ground…but FLYING FLYING not so much….
We stood before a great marvel. This Dark chasm expanded as far as the eye could see, it was deep and dark like soul of Priest Z.

Before any of us could figure out how to cross the giant pit of gloom and doom, our fearless Lord Nymbous sprang into action. By that, I mean he jumped out over the pit, grabbed onto a giant flying bird and tried to complete the sacred Tsheylu. Unfortunately, the only thing this bird was looking to bond with was his beak in Lord Nymbous’s face. The Flying Foul Fowl pecked and clawed at Nymbous all the way to the bottom of the pit. I couldn’t make out much just a puff of smoke cloud and a faint sound of “I’m….I’m alright!!!”

Well we found these pillars that had these glowing magical small planks and as we completed a series of designs bridges would spring up from the chasm, allowing us to cross from platform to platform.
This would be easy I thought….This was not easy….
We started out this room with poor communication and building random bridges and disassembling them without warning. Which was hilarious at first watching the ground being removed from good old Sturdy Ebony, and the sound Beloc made as he hit the ground miles below was priceless. However, we were now wasting precious resources most likely needed for some epic big bad guy battle. This seems to happen whenever you have a mixture of personalities with no central command. When you have a lot of strong personalities you end up with a lot of people taking charge. When you have a lot of people taking charge you have a lot of people not following orders. When you have a lot of people not following orders you end up with a lot of dead friends on random pillars. When you have dead friends on random pillars your friends end up becoming giant bird food. Don’t have people become bird food. Assign one or two people to take charge.

After our smartest adventurers put their minds together, and by smartest I mean the last one standing and the two that could keep regenerating, they started to get the hang of the patterns and the bridges they produced. Once the bridges were up and all the dead were dragged to the correct side, Dresden used Neden’s magic bracelet to raise the dead adventurers so they could play in the next room.

The next room was a shocking development…We were in a room filled with water to our waistline and there were these lightning elementals and one big fin peeking out of the water occasionally.….”Damn dolphins,” I thought. They may be be a distraction with their cuteness and playful water games but the real concern I figured was the water + the elementals but to be sure I sent in good ‘ol reliably expendable Jericho.
“The water is warm,” Jericho informed us and with that said, Rawlin, Dresden, JB, and Vuel all started wading in the water…..LIGHTNING BOLT...a giant ball of lightning hit the water instantly making Adventurer Stew, to which Gumbo, our petitioner, immediately tried adding seasoning and different spices to the water…

“Now is not the time for stew, gumbo or other thick soups comprised of our friends,” Lord Nymbous scolded.

“Everyone out of the water when those balls are about to strike!!!” Eldritch commanded.

We did as he said and for the most part avoided another round of Hero Chowder.

JB was busy making friends with good ‘ol durable Beloc. They bonded earlier over some runes found in a chest. They were talking about what the runes could mean and how close they were to making a complete answer key and how smart they were and dumb we were for not handling it….That’s when the fin got close….Like real close.
JB had a smile on his face and a gleam in his eye that generally meant he was going to try a new jerky. If I could read his mind I bet it would have been something like “Dolphin...I wonder if it will be as good as the whale jerky, surely it needs to be better than the kraken jerky…..Oh MY GOD ALL THE BLOOD!!!!!!”
Yeah, that is when Jean Baptiste noticed, this massive great white shark with arms pulling ‘ol less than durable Beloc under the water. There was so much splashing and blood. Then a creepy calm...
Rudy and I jumped on the shark's back, stabbing it over and over with our swords. Problem was its hide was so thick we weren’t making any progress. The shark sent Rudabaga flying onto an island with Sir Naj. Just as the two were about to be hit with a ball of lightning Sir Naj blocked it with his sword, laminating it and charging it with lightning at the same time. Rudy quickly blocked the next lightning attack, then with both of their swords charged and ready to go they attempted another strike at the shark.
The only problem was I was still hanging on. I was attempting to break the Corsican Shark riding record set by a very handsome Captian Thomas  “2” Dice. It had to be like 10 minutes riding the back of that beast (actually more like 50.6 just shy of the record).
Rudy and Naj where now joined by D of Folkestone and Dresden who launched their lightning bolts at the same time as Naj and Rudy swung their lightning swords. Krack KABOOM all the lightning hit the shark at the same time; the shark began to seize and I could feel its body tightening. Unfortunately, I could also feel over 50,000 volts coursing through my body. It launched me clear to the other side of the cavern. The shark was dazed but not down. Vuel led a charge with Rawlin, Sturdy Ebony, the expendable Jericho and all whose swords were charged and ready to strike lightning justice on this sadistic shark (probably just a regular shark, they all seem kind of sadistic to me).
Their swords’ blows struck true one after the other overwhelming the shark in the water with pure electricity.
The beast was slain, and before I knew it being harvested by Jean Baptiste…”It’s not every day the Jerky Jerkies itself,” I heard him say.

The next dozen rooms were filled with Imperium troops planning to stop us at every turn. Despite their best efforts, coordinated strikes, traps set to snare, melt and utterly destroy us they could not slow us down. With Invictus flanking the ends, Neden bringing up the middle, and the mercenaries absorbing all the arrows there was not much that could stop us…..Slow us down sure, but stop us never.
At every turn there was treasure to be won, cursed artifacts to ignore, temptations to give in to and trouble looking to take us down….It was a regular day at the New Eden Casino….

Then we reached a room where the Imperium troops were determined to stop us. They were lined up doubled in force size and had us in a fantastic field position disadvantage. Invictus and I attempted to flank left but we were stopped dead in our tracks. Rawlin took the newer fighter right with Nymbous and were put down. Sir Naj and Dresden attempted to keep the middle at bay with projectile lightning but they too were overwhelmed.
Luckily, I had Billy the Magic Storm Trooper. He eventually raised me and I knew what needed to be done to save the day.

I ran into Sir Naj, who was trying to broker a deal to get the dead and leave, but that wouldn’t do on my watch. We had come too far, killed too much, watched the expendable Jericho blow up at every turn.. NO. There was no turning back now.


It was time for one man to throw down the gauntlet.

I centered myself in front of this massive line, stared their leader deep in his soul, threw my weapons on the ground and let the rhythm of my heart guide my feet. Before I knew, I was on my own swan lake, majestically and purposely moving through the air with beautiful precise movements. I never thought I would dance again before this day. I was sure a Guilty Evil witch had cursed my feet to have no rhythm, but I should have known dance moves such as mine could not be held back with mere magic.
The enemy army was captivated, their eyes followed my every movement, their hearts could feel the music and in my mind’s eye guiding me through my fantastically fresh footwork. Their leader was compelled to join me. Our eyes locked in the middle of that dance floor and he knew he had to battle me to save face in front of his troop. He tried to muster a two-step but his feet would not obey. He tried to give his troops a shimmy of any sort but his hips lied that day. He even tried to head nod but the only nodding he did was a recognition of defeat…I had won, my dancing saved the day. 
With one more fantastic triple pleat into a split the heavens themselves shook and the enemies were filled with this pure magic of dance and exploded in a fiery explosion of awesome emotion…..that or Naj raised everyone while they were distracted with my sick moves and they slaughtered the troops from behind... you decide. Their leader dropped one of the artifacts,  a large sword of death. We gave it to Vuel from Invictus for we knew he would be the best to wield it in the upcoming fights.
The next three rooms would prove most useful.
In the first of the three rooms, we met an Imperium archer who had the second artifact we needed. Some bow of the sea. With none of us who worshiped the sea or their mighty god Poseidon this bow became more of Lord Nymbous’s play thing, shooting arrows and having fun. Come to think of it maybe one of the new guys worshiped gods of the sea and now that I really think of it maybe we should have grabbed that item before fighting the shark guy….Maybe that ITEM LET US CONTROL THE SHARK GUY!!!!!!!!!! (I’ll need to research this bow further).

The second room had more Imperium Soldiers but these were the best of the best, or at least we were low on resources. The LT Imperium guy, Bob, had this cool single short that allowed you to be a master assassin. Sir Naj made short work of this guy by lightning bolting him in the back. He collected the assassin’s blade and went on a good old fashion murder spree. Killing all the Imperium soldiers as well as the poor less-than-durable Beloc, the not-so-Sturdy Ebony, and the becoming-increasingly-more-and-more-expendable Jericho.

Once again, JB was collecting meat for his jerky experiments. “Which ones are our friends again?” could be heard from behind.

The air was getting thin. Our Guide, the Canary Cowl, started breathing heavy. I assumed it was poison in the air and was glad we went spelunking with a seasoned Canary.

The last room showed Gia (or an avatar of hers rather) working with the Imperium forces. This won’t stand, we need her artifact to stop these evil forces. The Imperium had already made my to-kill list and we were paid to do a job and we pride ourselves on completion….Not necessarily quality but certainly completion.

Steel clashed, arrows flew, Vuel stabbed a guy with a Trident. Bodies piled up left and right but no matter how much headway we seemed to gain, Gia’s Avatar was there to raise her comrades.

I noticed four more rare plants in each corner; I knew this had to be the solution. Sir Naj got out his botanist kit in attempts to make serum out of their rare and endangered magical properties.

“How long do you need,” Lord Nymbous yelled to Naj

“45 more minutes and we should have one vial,” Naj answered

“You’re going to need to be quicker than that,” Vuel said as he murdered four opponents with his new battle sword of justice.

“Taking too long!” I screamed.

As I made that statement, I went around plucking the flowers out by the roots. Once the last flower was out of the ground Gia’s avatar let loose a mighty scream and collapsed due to the magical drain….that or the fifteen battle-hungry adventurers stabbing her with their swords…either one…

It was done. The final artifact, the staff of Gia, loosened from her grasp and was in my possession.

We showed Canary Cowl that we had all four artifacts and that they were indeed safe from the Imperium Menace.

Invictus took their battle murder sword home with them for safekeeping.

Lord Nymbous took the assassin's blade from Naj much to his dismay and promised to find a worshiper of the sea to whom they would hand off the Bow.

Me, I kept reputation as one of the world’s best D.I.C.K.S, an additional 200 Rowan on top of my retainer and this cool Staff of Gia…..

Now the staff is useless to an old Dark RohdeOne worshiper like myself. So I promised to give it to Gia’s most faithful follower.
Now only to figure out who that is……

I have an idea, next month at Neden BBQ and Games I will pass off the staff to the first ever Gia Limbo contest. May the most limber prevail….

Well that is it for this gumshoe. I am sure that making rare plants extinct and letting loose a cave shark will have no future consequences…..See you all in the funny pages true believers.

Dear Syruss,

With the holiday of love fast approaching, I wanted to try to up my game this year. Since you are so smooth yet so sassy, I was wondering if you had any tips for the rest of us mere mortals on how to impress a significant other this year (or potential significant other!) Advice for all genders and species is appreciated!
Sincerely,
Looking for love
​

​Hey there Looking for Love in All the Right Places,
I get it, Cupid and his cousin Aros are out and about causing trouble in hearts and loins across the Realms. Making all your hearts swoon for those you may have only admired from afar at this point.
They are making you loins go crazy and with that, you too are going a bit crazy. It is a real issue when they mess with Rhiassa loins, lion loins there I just wanted to write that.....
But speaking of Rhiassa, a while back at a Cecil's Taliea Gathalion and I started a book of pick up lines that are sure to do the trick we called "You used line _____ It was super effective!!!" There are all kinds of tips and tricks on how to approach.

The following is what we call the Do’s and Don'ts of Devine Debonair Dating Druids:
DON'T tell them to cheer up
The quickest way to direct a dialogue downhill is with a command. So saying “Cheer up!” or “Give us a smile!" is not the best way to go.  Nope, save your commands for troops on the battlefield.
DO spark a dialogue
By the time you cast a ritual to give you the nerve to approach someone you like, you may panic and say the first thing that comes to your noggin: “So… What are you doing?”

BLAH, right? Let me tell you that more often than not it's not clumsy questions but rather your personality and character that will pique your crush’s interest.

“The fighting here is great. I come in every morning on my way to the citadel to slay orcs. Do you work in the area?” 

When they have told you that they work right next door and/or wants to have your babies, give them your opinion right back. This is called a conversation.

“Pffft, that’s just common sense, Syruss,” you may scoff, but trust me: it's an art that seems lost on a lot of people especially when you are trying to warm up to that new Hot Sorcerer.
DON'T invade their personal space
Dear random adventurer, I don't know where your hand has been - in a dragon, searching a laboratory, or searching a scalped goo  - it is gross, but I do know where you want to put it. If you touch my hair or bum I will break your arm. Kindest regards.
DO pay them subtle compliments
If you're Elvish, you're allowed to talk about the weather ONCE and only if you're leading somewhere with it. I'll condone one weather mention if accompanied by looking out the window contemplatively and sighing, “Dark One, the weather is awful. You look tanned though, have you just come back from holiday?”
 I don't mind assumptions, either. For example:
“You look like you have a creative job, do you work on the Neden Kazoo or the View?” If you're wrong, they'll be flattered that you called them creative. If you're right, they will most likely engage you in a nice conversation on the topic.
DO read the situation
If they’re a reading a book, dashing down the street or they’re fighting a dragon, they’re busy. Some adventurer sidled up last week when I was neck-deep in a fight with a gargoyle and they were sweating espresso with “Gosh, is that guy tough?” *Insert snorty chuckle* “Yes, actually.” “Oh. Right. I'll leave you to it then.” End of (thrilling) conversation.

Make sure you're timing each situation correctly.
DO be confident
A confident hero is not a self-obsessed one. They just know themselves well enough to be open to considering others. They don't concentrate on questions, creating a one-sided conversation that puts the onus on their crush  to “entertain” them. Instead, they make a statement that sparks a conversation. People/Elves/ Dwarfs/and Creatures can sense it if you aren't fully “present” or if your bravado is formed of poorly managed insecurity. So be yourself but do with self-assurance.
DON'T let one rejection ruin your confidence
You can spend hours analyzing the where’s and how’s of talking to people but the one “trick” that will dramatically increase the odds of you having a relationship of any kind with a particular person is talking to them. But if that doesn’t work get back out there and chat up someone new. Plenty more fish in the sea, as they say. Just don't catch crabs.
DON’T use cheesy lines
I would rule out “pick up lines” completely for the most part. There isn't one magical sentence that holds the key to unlocking romance. Not even “Dayum Elf, are you my dead grandmother? Because I never hear from you”  which has been used on me….twice… Just stick to normal conversation that makes people feel comfortable.

HOWEVER, IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE PICK UP LINES well then Taliea and I have come up with some doozies that will either get you scalped or get you that date you were looking for:
“I have a quiver full of arrows and this is your shot at love!”
“I am like a marn, I can equip both ways.”
“Are you a Shaman because I really want to merge with you.”
“ I see we are both learning sorcery, how about we get familiar?”
“ I know our first encounter may not have been memorable, but luckily I am a Seer because you get a Second Chance….At love!”
“ Are you an Alchemist Orc? Because you don’t need a love potion to get with this.”
“Woah easy, there is no need to call Divine Aid - I am already here.”
“You must be the best Seer in the world because you don’t need a find the path to find your way to my heart.”
“Are you enchanting your blade or are you just happy to see me?”
“You must be a phylactery because you have my mind body and soul.”
“Is that an Ashenmark Pike, because it is bigger than I thought!”
“You don’t need to go on a quest to find my heart.”
“Are you sure you’re an abjurer? Because I don’t think you can resist my magic.”
“Are you a blacksmith because you are reforging my broken heart.”
“I can be your cantrip baby, I am anything you might need.”
“Want to go to fight practice together because I would love to hit that!”
Wow, that was a lot of pickup lines Taliea!!!!!!

Anyway guys, love is magic, it is unexpected and can happen at any moment for no reason so be on the lookout for something special.

 It is like this story Nymbous once told me about pouring candy hearts into a Volcano, he said:
“As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one world was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: The Realms. So all over the Realms couples stood together in joy and that is the magic of love” –Lord Nymbous O”Leary
I hope this helps, I am sorry if it doesn’t-

Till next time loyal readers!

Duke Sir Syruss O’Leary
Knight of the Potentium
Knight of the Blue Rose
Love Guru
Realms Greatest Detective

Oh, if that advice didn't help you can try giving one of me and Taliea’s Valentine Day Cards a try:

Dear Syruss,

It seems as if hats have taken the Realms by storm. I want to fit in but I'm not sure what hat choice is best for me. Since you're always sporting fashionable toppers - how do I get my hat game on par with yours?

Signed,
Hoping for Haberdashery
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